forgot what mowing the lawn was like….
yesterday i printed off all of the information we need for debrief. we’re pretty apprehensive – we were wondering what we’ll do there (besides the whole debriefing part) and started joking about it -
’swimming…outdoor activites…maybe some team building projects…there’s sure to be some sort of craft…’ pause. ‘oh come on, there’s got to be crafts!’
and we both started laughing because that’s what you do.
we slag it off because we’re apprehensive and unwilling to go – but in the end we’ll probably end up loving it – just like mti, just like greece. but somehow it feels different.
but i kind of am looking forward to it as well – well maybe not looking forward to, more relieved – if it means i can get out of the house, if i can do something besides shop and mill around. because i try to do things that use my brain but unfortunately every time i try to focus my brain just kind of collapses and refuses to do anything or engage. won’t even go places i try to make it go because i think it will help. deadpan.
and if it means i will stop or i will have someone to help me and i won’t feel like this, or as intensely like this, or even just a little less like this.
and yet right now it just feels selfish and self-indulgent.
but…i miss the pearliness of the sky and the myriad of colour in the sea and the purple of the hills in the background and the unpredictability of all three. and i miss laughter and people and buildings and streets and irish on the signs. and i miss smells and sounds and imprints on my memory and plenty of other things too. and i miss fuchsia. fuchsia everywhere.
grandma is very funny with her hand and foot group. and she’s very funny with making me go to bed because our flight is out early tomorrow morning. even though i won’t be able to sleep, and giz won’t either. i expect her any second now. so no more, for tonight.
